he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
