Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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