I cockslap morals
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
