jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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