Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
