I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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