You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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