So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
