Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
