About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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