I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
