whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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