Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
