Don't you send me to vm
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
