hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
