I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
