you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
