can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize