I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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