Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
