forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
