Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just googled if crying burns calories
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
