Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
