I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
