sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
