He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
