Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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