my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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