I can text with my tongue
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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