is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
