I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
