I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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