Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When are your genitals available?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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