They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
