she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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