Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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