you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
