I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
