dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
