I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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