She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
