Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
