can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize