when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
