Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
