was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
