Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
