He kissed a someone with a penis
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize