i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
