my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
