those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
