shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
