What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
