did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
