how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
