no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
