5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
