Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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