Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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