We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
