I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
