i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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