But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
